The 4 main parenting styles

There are four main parenting styles, according to research in psychology: democratic, authoritarian, permissive, and disengaged. These styles are defined by three important ingredients for the development of children.

Indeed, to develop well, a toddler needs parents above all else:

Warm: When you act warm and caring with your little one, they feel loved and accepted.

Supervisors: when you establish clear rules, this reassures your child and helps him to feel safe.

Empathetic: When you respect your child's ideas, feelings, and initiatives, it helps them make choices and set goals. This is called support for self-determination.

“These are three essential ingredients to provide to children,” says Mireille Joussemet, psychologist, researcher and professor at the University of Montreal. Of the four main parenting styles, the democratic style has the best balance of warmth, guidance, and support for self-determination. It is therefore to be preferred.

Marielle M'Bangha, mother of Samuel, 6, and Piernelle, 3 months, has just adopted the democratic model. “I raise my children to respect who they are. I encourage them to express their emotions and their preferences, to set their limits, to assert themselves. I want them to have self-confidence. »

Samatar Abdillahi and Christophe Furstoss also strive to listen to their 3-year-old daughter and let her question things. But that doesn't mean their little Sarah can do whatever she wants. In democratic families, there are rules to follow. “For example, our daughter sometimes wants to eat at the small table in the living room, but for us, eating together at the table in the evening is non-negotiable,” says Samatar.

On the other hand, the authoritarian parent exerts a lot of control, but shows little warmth and support for self-determination. "He loves his child, of course, but he values obedience," says psychologist Nathalie Parent. He tends to punish without giving explanations. Often, her demands are also too high for her toddler's stage of development. The permissive parent, on the other hand, seeks affection from their child and gives it plenty, but finds it difficult to set boundaries . He acts more like a friend than a relative.

As for the disengaged parent, they offer very little or none of each of the three important ingredients for toddlers. It can be more difficult to engage with your children when you have had a difficult childhood. We must then learn to give what we have not received. A disengaged attitude can also be explained by mental health or addiction problems, or by a busy professional life.

Mix of styles

Although there is a definition for each parenting style, the reality is more nuanced. There are also other parenting styles, such as the overprotective parent or the perfectionist parent. Maybe you are even a mixture of several of these styles. In real life, most parents unite the characteristics of different styles with a predominance for one.

For example, Hugo Sierra, dad to 3-year-old Eduardo, tends to be overprotective, but he's also permissive at times… and even bossy. "He has difficulty being firm in enforcing the routine," says his partner, Bibiana Pulido. So our son stretches the rubber band until his father gets angry and falls into authority.

On the side of Christophe and Samatar, the democratic model is mixed with a small dose of permissiveness. Dads, for example, buy their daughter sweets every time they go shopping with her. "We would like to break this habit," says Christophe. But we choose the easy way rather than facing the crisis. »

It's normal for a parent to be strict about some things, but more permissive about others. Mireille Joussemet adds: “ Parenting style can also vary from day to day . You can be democratic most of the time, but be less patient and more controlling when you're tired, for example. »

The important thing, according to the psychology professor, is to find a balance between the warmth, the supervision and the respect offered to the child . "Your little one doesn't need a perfect parent, but rather a good enough parent," she stresses.

How to adopt a democratic style?

The democratic style is the most beneficial for children, according to research in psychology. It promotes, among other things, social skills, self-esteem and emotional management.

A child raised by a democratic parent would indeed have an easier time making friends, in addition to being less at risk of suffering from anxiety or having behavioral problems, such as opposition or aggression.

Conversely, other parental models are associated with negative effects on toddlers. For example, the child of a permissive parent may become anxious because he has no boundaries . And since he is not used to functioning in a setting, “he may have difficulty following the rules at daycare and at school,” says Nathalie Parent.

For their part, the child of an overly authoritarian parent may develop low self-esteem and believe that they are not important because what they think and feel is not sufficiently taken into account. "He can have a difficult relationship with his parent and rebel in adolescence," adds the psychologist.

If you're a permissive or authoritarian type, it's important not to feel guilty. It is possible to modify your approach with your toddler to become more democratic and promote his well-being. Here are some suggestions:

Give positive attention to your child. For example: highlighting his good behavior and his efforts, listening to him talk about his day after returning from daycare, involving him in the preparation of the meal, etc.

Take the time to play with him every day . “It helps to solidify the bond and create a positive relationship,” points out Nathalie Parent. Your child will feel that he matters to you. »

Explain the rules and limits to him . Your toddler will be more cooperative if he knows the reason behind an instruction. "To make my son understand why he should brush his teeth, I told him about cavities," says Bibiana, Eduardo's mother. Since then, he always wants to brush them! » Giving your child an explanation helps them agree with your request . "As he finds meaning in it, he can appropriate the rule and follow it of his own free will, even if it does not give him pleasure", explains psychology professor Mireille Joussemet.

Acknowledge their feelings and point of view . Even if the child understands the importance of a rule, he will not necessarily like it! It is important to listen to your child's emotions, even when they are hard to hear. For example, when you ask your child something, you can say: "It's boring to put away toys, it's not fun to stop playing." If he feels understood, he will be more willing to complete the task.

Apply the rules consistently . Your child will then know what to expect. Also avoid undoing your partner's intervention. "Often, my daughter will complain to her other dad," says Christophe, Sarah's father. The other doesn't change the rule, but he listens to what she has to say. It consoles her. »

Give it some power . Your child needs to have control over their actions and make small decisions on their own. “At the table, I ask my son to taste everything, but I don't force him to eat food he doesn't like,” says Marielle, Samuel's mother. For her part, Bibiana encourages her son's initiatives, such as the time he decided to make a video call with his grandmother to show her around the house. Sarah's dads let their daughter choose the clothes she will wear . “It doesn't matter if they're mismatched, as long as they're in season,” says Samatar. Offering choices is also a good strategy for obtaining a child's cooperation (eg: “Do you want to put your toys away before or after the bath?”).

Have expectations that are appropriate to your child's age and abilities . If your child is under too much pressure, he may become discouraged, anxious, and believe he is no good. Realistic expectations will allow him to experience success and increase his self-confidence.

Parenting style doesn't explain everything

Although your style has a significant impact on your child's behavior and well-being, other factors come into play. His temperament and those around him also play a role, as well as his perception about how you treat it. Your little one's behavior can also influence your style. For example, parents of particularly difficult or aggressive children may become more authoritarian or, on the contrary, end up giving up setting limits.

When parents don't have the same parenting style

What are the consequences for the child? And on the torque? Is it better to have a similar style?

It is normal for there to be differences between the two parents. “These differences allow parents to complement each other and reflect on themselves,” says psychologist Nathalie Parent. In addition, being in contact with people with different approaches teaches children to adapt and helps them develop their social skills . »

However, having styles that are too different can be a problem. For example, if one parent is very permissive and the other very authoritative, the toddler will suffer from a lack of consistency and consistency . He can experience stress, be anxious and have disturbing behaviors. "The child can also get closer to one parent and oppose the other," adds Nathalie Parent.

Big differences in how a child is raised can lead to conflict and create distance between partners . "When frustrations accumulate, the feeling of love can suffer," warns the psychologist.

Talk to each other instead of arguing

How to handle disagreements? “You have to talk about it with your partner, but not in front of the child, because it could worry and upset him,” says Nathalie Parent. She advises tackling issues as they arise while remaining open to the other's point of view.

The idea is not to be the one who is right, but to figure out how to function as parents to ensure the well-being of the child . For example, you can talk about what was good about your upbringing, your values, and your child's needs. “Also recognize that your partner is different from you and name what he does well with your child, suggests the psychologist. Then try to see how each could relax some of their principles to support the other in their parenting role.

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